How to figure out “who am I now?”

Welcome back to my on-going series Becoming Her – Identity and Inner Growth

I’ve been in the trenches of looking at the myth that we should already know who we are. At the big age of 31 I’m still very much figuring out who I am, and I bet that you’re very much figuring out who you are too.

If you’ve already got it figured out please let me know how you did it! I’ll take any help I can get. 😅

What questions can we ask ourselves to figure out “who am I now?”

I knew who I was at 6, and I thought I knew who I was at 16, and that’s evolved (thank goddess) to who I am now… but who exactly is that? Is this very existential, yes yes it is, but I’m in it. So these are the questions I’m answering:

1. Who do you want to be? (Very meta, you can skip if needed)
2. Who do you actually perceive yourself as now? (Be honest, this isn’t the time to polish your edges)
3. What are actual actionable steps to get from where you are to where you want to be?
4. When was the last time you got lost, unaware of time and totally unaware of anything other than the task you were working on?
5. Was that a good or bad experience? If good what pieces of it can you take and apply to other parts of your life?
6. If you can’t remember that what was something you liked to do as a kid?
7. If you can’t remember can you call your mom/sister/friends and ask?
8. Do you still like it?

Since this series is all about self discovery, I’m answering all the questions myself, so if you’re like me and nosy please read on for my honest answers!

 

Who do I want to be? 

There’s this exercise you’re supposed to do where you write down what a perfect day in your life looks like in the future as though you already have that. I am going to apply that principle here.

I am in good shape, and I exercise regularly in a way that benefits my future mobility. I am financially independent, making money online from anywhere in the world. I know the benefit of being hydrated so I actually drink the right amount of mineral water. Speaking of minerals, I remember to take my meds.

What I’m realizing as I type this is that it’s less of identity and more of actions and adjectives… maybe I already am who I’m supposed to be. Right now I am kind, I am empathetic, I speak out, I help where I can, I’m reliable. I’m going to answer the other questions but come back to this thought.

Who do you actually perceive yourself as now?

If we’re going off of the adjectives then I am not hydrated, I make the smallest amount of money online (like $20 a month), I do not exercise, and I forget my meds constantly… but the realization is still valid that who I am as a person is fundamentally a good one.

What are actual actionable steps to get from where you are to where you want to be?

1. Drink more water –> fill up my cup in the morning and bring it around with me. One tumbler of water is still more than I drink now
2. Exercise? I have no idea – muscling through hasn’t been a good way to motivate me in the past. Is there a way to find an exercise I actually like and bring it home? If there a way to get an accountability workout partner? Can I rope my actual partner into being my workout partner?
3. Making money online –> I’m actively working on this. I’m using my 15 years of experience as a photographer to create education for other photographers. Part of this decision comes on the heels of an arthritis diagnosis.
4. Remembering to take meds –> PLUG MY PHONE IN NEXT TO MY MEDS sorry for the caps, but it is my newest greatest idea. I’ve never forgotten that that little dopamine monster exists, so maybe if I plug it in on the counter next to my meds I’ll remember that they exist. I’ve tried to set alarms and I just snooze them until they’re useless.

When was the last time you got lost, unaware of time and totally unaware of anything other than the task you were working on? 

Anytime I’m in the garden – I can go out there for 10 minutes and be completely lost for hours. I can look up and it’s getting dark out. There’s always something to do in the garden. The rewards are tangible and beautiful. The actions I’m doing all reward me and the earth. There’s a ton of community support. It’s something I’m good at.

 

P.S. here’s my garden and my happy doggies

Was that a good or bad experience? If good what pieces of it can you take and apply to other parts of your life? 

Gardening is such a positive experience for me. If I distill the things I like about it the most I can absolutely apply it to other parts of my life!

1. Be outside
2. Have clear tasks
3. Have a visible reward (when I did fall minis I had a sticker chart and it was excellent to have the visual reminder but also the reward of getting to put a sticker on the chart)
4. Connect with the community (I struggle with this one and would likely feel better if I prioritized it.)

*As an aside I’m not surrounded by friends I have a few close friends but not enough for a big party – is this something I care about/want to work on?*

 

If you can’t remember that what was something you liked to do as a kid? 

 

I could remember, but I still feel like it’s worthwhile to revisit things you enjoy as a kid. Some you’ll still enjoy (for me painting) some you won’t (jump rope (E cup boobs are not made for repeatedly jumping)).

Identity evolves through lived experience

Writing all of these pieces down I feel like what I’ve settled on is that identity evolves through lived experience. My values are not the same as I was when I was 16, and I’m so glad about that. So it would be fair to reason they won’t be the same as they are now in another 15 years, but I hope they continue in the trend of more understanding, more compassionate, more radicalized.

Additional journal prompts to define (or redefine) who you are in your 30s:

As we’ve now established my original questions were much more in line with what are my habits/traits, so I wanted to brainstorm some ones that help me define my actual self/being. So that I can more accurately figure out “who am I now”?  I’m physically writing these answers down in my journal if you’d like to join me.

1. What energizes you?
2. What impact do you want to leave on the world?
3. What are you jealous of? Is the jealousy telling you something about yourself?
4. What qualities do you admire in other people?
5. Follow-up every question with Why? like a toddler ask “why?” over and over again.

If you want to read more about my journey you can read about the 20 lessons I learned in my 20s and How to reflect on Milestones