I typically write myself a letter on my birthday, and do some birthday portraits. Last year was my 30th birthday and Kamala Harris had just lost the presidential election and I wasn’t particularly feeling my best, so I didn’t do it. Instead I wrote a list of 100 things I wanted. And I’m going to review and see what I did this year – I never looked at it again after writing it, so I might not have done any of them. I’m not sure!

 

After review – most of what I wrote down were huge life goals, but here’s what I did off of my 100 things:

1. Buy a fujifilm camera! A note on this, I bought it because I wanted it for a year, and I’ve used it twice. Sometimes things that you see online as so cool aren’t as cool in person. I’m just so invested in the canon ecosystem that I couldn’t transition. My suggestion is now to rent things before you spend a lot of money on them.
2. Scrapbook I started a scrapbook this year – when I stopped needing it to be the way it was when I was a kid and let it be what it needed to be as an adult I started doing it and loving it!
3. Walk Dogs Every Day I thank living in SoCal for this one. We also took them to dog training because I was diagnosed with arthritis this year and Ryder pulls on walks so it was hurting me to walk him, so there was a time where they didn’t get daily walks and I needed to fix it!
4. An Oura ring I actually ended up with the UltraHuman ring because I didn’t like the the Oura ring charged more for the gold color and was a monthly subscription. This to me is an argument for letting your desires change when you have more information!
5. MicroNeedling I wanted this for my deep pores and did get it done this year! Plus I got lip filler and tried Botox. I LOVED the lip filler and will get more. I hated the Botox and will never do it again! And I would do the microneedling again – its just expensive!
6. Skin Tag Removal I got this done too and I wish I’d done it sooner! I had multiple skintags on my eyelids, and having them removed has made a world of difference for my confidence, and there was one that made my eye itchy all the time and hurt when I rubbed my eye, so not having that one is huge!
7.  Visit DC with Jeff We did this this year! It was amazing!

It’s interesting to see that some things I wrote down did happen. Most of the things I wrote were huge things, and several of them I’m making progress on it just hasn’t fully come to fruition yet!

Every year for my birthday I take photos of myself – I want to see what I look like as I grow up and have a time capsule of who I am. This year I took my photos in October because fall is my busy season so I did it when I could, and while editing the photos I wrote this:

I hope that not too far from now I look at these photos and I remember the joy of dancing through the ocean on a warm October day where the super low tide left cool reflections on the sand. I hope that not too long from now I stop noticing how big my nose is, how plump my face is, how I don’t fit societies standard for beauty. I know I’m fat and I’m generally even okay with it. I don’t consider fatness a moral failing. I’m still smart and funny and beautiful. But sometimes I see a photo of myself and it hits me wrong. So I hope that sometime soon I just see the beauty that is making it to 31 years old.

And I’m glad to say that not too far from then is now. Now I remember how warm the water was and how supportive my husband was. I remember deciding to sit in the ocean in the full denim jumpsuit and then changing in a parking lot. I remember that Jeff held up a towel for me and I remember the trip to in n out because that’s the tradition when I go to the beach. I look at them and feel life and joy. I still recognize the other things, but they pale in comparison to the rest of it 💕 I’m so grateful for where I am now and how far I’ve come and having a decade worth of moments to look back on.

 

And finally, this is the letter to myself for my 32nd year of life (it still trips me out that the numbers aren’t the same).

My dearest Sam,

I am so fucking proud of you.

I seriously am so proud of you. In 2016, nearly a decade ago you graduated college and took the biggest leap of faith in yourself. You were supposed to go to grad school, and get your masters degree in Speech Language Pathology. You’d done all of the tests and the interviews and the money on applications. You’d looked at houses in Oregon. And you were fucking terrified to go. And you were terrified to stay. It felt like both choices were so scary. And staying where you were but chasing your passion felt a little less scary. So you chose that one, and baby look at the life you’ve lived since you made that choice.

That’s what I want to remind you of this next year. There will always be choices. There will always be two different things and they might both be scary and one might be easier than the other. But there are no right and wrong choices there. There are just choices.

I’m sure that in another universe you went to grad school and that that life has been beautiful and amazing too, but my love you’re in this life and you’ve made it be such a good one. Such a damn good life. You are going to continue having and living a damn good life. The things that I put my mind to get accomplished. And I just want to say thank you so much for showing me that.

We decided we were going to be a full time photographer and we put all of our energy into it. And now here I am a decade later clearing 5 figure months. Remember when we were just looking for a 5 figure year? When our goal was to make $50k in a year with photography? Sweet girl, after so much hard work and dedication we just did that in three months. Thank you for being brave enough to pursue something unconventional and for having the audacity to try and for putting your ego aside when necessary.

So this is what I want for future Sam. For myself for the next year.

1. I want to slow down. I want to enjoy the present while I work towards the future. I want to take my time with my life.
2. I am a writer and I will be writing.
3. This year I am going all in on making money on the internet, and I’m fucking terrified. But I am reminding myself of the girl who was scared in 2016, but desperately wanted to be a wedding photographer. I did that, and I can do this. (P.S. Jeff supported me in that dream then and he will support me now. Your life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make – thank you for making that one for me.)
4. I want to take care of myself seriously, I want to get the meds I need and to take them. I know this doesn’t seem like a big goal to the outside observer, but to me, it’s huge.
5. I am someone worth taking care of, and I will continue to take care of myself (going back to the meds so that I remember to take care of myself).

Finally, I want to be gentle with myself. This year Jeff and I started the process of ivf. And not being pregnant now feels like perhaps one of the biggest heartbreaks I’ve experienced in my life. And I want to be gentle with myself. I want to know that life isn’t a checklist of things to be accomplished it’s an adventure to be had.

This letter is a different format than ones I’ve written in the past. I used to write whole lists of goals – things I wanted to do and countries to visit. But this year my goal is just to be the best version of myself, to trust myself, and to take calculated risks.

If you’re here with me on this journey, thank you, I love you.